Weakening Family Bonds: How to Strengthen It

Sumit has been staying very frustrated these days as his father is insisting on him leave college and help his brother in the recently opened family business, where his brother needs a helping hand in the business. Sumit is in his second year of college and is a bright student. He wants to focus on his studies and his aim is to settle abroad. He has just made some new friends and he wants to spend time with them and does not wish to become a shopkeeper like his brother at this young age.

His father believes that once summit starts working at the shop, he will start looking for a match for him and get him married later this year, so that like his brother, Sumit also settles down. His brother was never good at studies and after his school, he started working in the family business which made the father proud. His brother is now married and has a 2-year-old son as well and his father wants the summit to follow in the same footsteps. He discussed his feelings with his mother and she also could not empathize with Sumit’s feelings.

“I want to run away from this house and I’m sick of this constant comparisons. I want to live my life on my own terms”

Sumit is broken from the inside as both his parents refuse to understand his life ambitions. He has started lying to everyone and has started making excuses to go to the shop. Many times he has been caught by his father or other family members hanging out with his friends during college hours. But he has become a sort of a rebel and is fighting a lone battle against his own family members and in the process, losing family bonds.

A family is a network of relationships where each member is an integral part of the system. Each member is unique which makes each family unique as well. Differences of opinion can always happen in families as each individual has his own beliefs and views and this can sometimes lead to conflicts as well. Sometimes conflicts can happen because of misunderstandings, miscommunication or wrong conclusions. If the conflicts are not dealt with on time in a peaceful manner, it can lead to further quarrels and resentments.

It is very common to have the usual difference of opinions and conflicts in a family, but continued conflicts can be stressful and damaging to relationships. Some people do not have control over their feelings and they can become aggressive, violent or even intentionally harmful.

Structure of Family

Commonly there are two categories of families. Nuclear families and joint families. Both differ in their structure, rules, patterns of communication and norms.

Nuclear Family

In a nuclear family, the relationship between children and parents is much stronger in comparison to a joint family. This is because the parents are the major source of socialization for the children. Also, it is seen that there is a lesser pressure to adhere to the general social norms of the society in a nuclear family. A nuclear family generally has a lot of love between all members, be it siblings or parent-child love, which leads to an overall psychological development for children. The structure of a nuclear family is quite simple due to fewer members, so the relationships are less complicated.

Joint Families

One of the biggest advantages of living in a joint family is that one develops great social skills. In a joint family, there is always pressure to conform to the religious and social beliefs of the other family members, especially the elders. When it comes to affection and bonding, it can be much higher in a joint family as the bond can be between two generations, which means that there are chances that a child living in a joint family may have better psychological development in comparison to a child living in a nuclear family. Having said that, a joint family has a complex structure which can have complexities in relationships as well.

Sources of Conflicts in the Family

“Family conflict is a struggle over values and claims to scarce status, power and resources in which the aim of the opponents are to neutralize, injure or eliminate the rival”- Lewis Coser (1956.). There could be many reasons for a family conflict. Some of these are mentioned below

• Financial Instability: Money is the major cause of family disputes in most cases. Lack of finances can lead to arguments, fights, abuses and sometimes even violence in the family.
• Sibling Competition: The love of the parents gets divided as soon as the second child is born. From that moment only there could be a feeling of jealousy, hatred, insecurity and rivalry between siblings. Parents do not do this intentionally but different individuals react differently in such situations, thus affecting their future work and relationships.
• Parenting: In a nuclear family good parenting depends on the coordination between the couple. However, parenting in a joint family can be a tough job because there are comparisons between parents. There can be one parent who is more strict which may not be liked by the other parents or at times a more liberal parent may also not be accepted by the other parents.
• Generation Gap: It is difficult to understand each other when there is too much of an age gap between family members. In such cases, one can identify differences in opinion, education level, technology, globalization and culture.
• Wrong Communication Pattern: Miscommunication or non-communication is also one of the reasons for conflicts. When people fail to put their words across to each other or refrain to share their feelings it can become a major cause of conflict.
• Overload of responsibility on any family member: Overburdened on any family member can be really stressful for the individual. Often it is seen that women in the family are overloaded with work when it comes to taking care of the house, emotional bonding and raising the kids. Or in some cases, men overwork to fill in the needs of the family. This can frustrate an individual eventually leading to conflicts.

Advice to Improve Family Relationships

There are different ways to improve relationships. Different individuals react differently so treatments also differ. Identifying the cause of the problem and working on the solutions is one of the best treatments. However, some common tips to improve family bonding are as follows:

• Being empathetic towards each other in the family is a great way to establish stability in the family. Spending more quality time to understand each other always helps as well.
• Negotiations can play a healthy role in stabilizing family bonds. Conflicts are natural in any family but finding a middle path through negotiations can be a simple yet effective solution.
• Family conflicts can lead to stress and it is most important to prepare yourself for better stress management. Dealing with stress helps us in maintaining relationships. A calm attitude always helps diffuse hostile situations in a better way.
• We must support each other in bad times. Sometimes the slightest of encouragement from a family member can do wonders to one’s confidence in a stressful situation. One good deed of support always encourages other members to reciprocate and the chain continues to strengthen family bonds.
• Sometimes a member of the family can go through a problem of addiction to a bad habit such as alcohol, drugs, smoking etc. It is important for the family members to understand the situation and help him/her to get out of the addiction.
• When a family is struggling financially it is really important for each member to curb their needs and demands and focus on savings and living within the budget. One needs to be positive in a financial crisis and believe that the family can survive it together.
• It is important to be patient when one of the family members says something hurtful. It may be due to some other frustrations he/she might be going through. Do not retaliate in such a situation and try to diffuse the situation by being more empathetic and not judgmental.